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I have been struggling with mental illness for a few years now and it has not been until now that I have admitted how bad it actually is.
Everyday I panic to get up in the morning because I think that I will fail at something and then another part of me says that I am failing at life if I stay in bed so I drag my arse out and get on with my day. Then I get to the tube and I panic again because I am scared about what people think of me, strangers, friends, just anyone that will see me. So I start sweating again, my hands are shaking which makes me panic even more cause I think that everyone around me will notice it.
At work I will always do my best and even though people seem to think I am great at what I do the bad person inside me says that I am not good enough.
I would be the person to ask people to go out for drinks with me no matter what day of the week it is just so that I could drink and shut up the bad thoughts and be me for a few hours. that got out of hand last week,
What started out as any other night out ended horribly and I have been in bed for the past three days not sleeping cause everything I close my eyes I can see everything that might have happened.
I have never had memory loss because of alcohol, until that night. I can remember being out with the guys and asking for a sofa to crash on as I had missed my last train home. I can remember geting in a taxi with one of them, but I can't remember getting out of it, and in to a lift, I can kind of remember a kiss but then that is it, until the day after. I can remember waking up in just my bra in someone elses bed. I can remember him turning over asking for more (or would it have been the first?) and me quickly getting up and coming up with every excuse I could to leave.
When I got home later that day I felt sick, everything started to spinn, I thought it was a hangover or maybe the panic but turned out that at some point the night before I had hit my head, I have no idea when.
I hate myself for this, all I can think is the worst, but all I want to do is move forward and not see this person again. whish might be hard as he works at the same place at me, but as I am not going back there until October it gives me time to get over it before I have to face him...
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