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Hey Guys
It's been almost a year since last time I wrote. so Much has happened, some things that I want to tell you and somethinngs that I don't
It's pretty straight forward.
I ended up in a bad relationship, and I stoped doing everything that I liked doing, like the writing, the photography seeing my friends. Just all of it just to be who he wanted me to be, be where he wanted me to be. Because II used to love this man I wanted to say that he didn't know what he was doing to me. That in some way it was my own fault cause I was to scared to say anything. Cause I thought if I said anything he would breakup with me and I was scared of being alone.
16 August 2015, was the night when we met outside of work, he used to be a customer at the café I worked at but that night we drank together and I ended up going to his plave, where I stayed for 3 days before going home, end since then we were always together but in different places.
November: 3 months in we moved in together cause I had found a new place to stay at but he didn't want me to stay there. so we found a 1 bed flat in Chiswick to call our home.
January: We went on holiday to Brazil for 2 weeks. and here is were it all fell apart.
We had a great first week, then the fights started, I can't even remember what they were about. But when we got home, I started to feel lonely. and Invicible. so I left the room he was in and laid down in bed. To start he always came in to see if I were okay but after a couple of months he stoped. It was like he didn't care anymore, which made my mood even worse.
April: It felt like we were fighting everyday like I wanted to fight becasue I wanted himm to see me. Normaly it was about the same things, him being on his phone. Him not doing anything with me. His addiction to playing games instead of talkking to me. But he didn't want to change just a tin bit to make me happy. No cause I think inn his head he was perfect.
May: I tried everything to get attention, I even tried selfharming which i had done i situations like this before. it didn't work. I knew that he had seen it but he didn't want to talk about it. He just said that I had issues and problems which I had to go to therpai to sort out. and at this point I believed him, I was the big problem. I needed to change, there was nothing wrong with him it was me. So I started therapi.
June: Every monday I came home and ended up with a crying panicattack after I had been to the therapist. The first time it happened he huged me and said that it was going to get better. But that was the only time he did it. I remember a time I came home and started to cry and have a pannicattack. I donä't know if you've ever had one, but it's hard to breath and evern harder to speak. When he asked me to tell him what was wrong I pushed out the words "I can't" And he got angry that I wouldn't talk to him so he left the room.
July: One night He came home after a whole day out with his friends, at this point I thought we would talk to each other. See how our days have been but no he went straight into playingon his phone. A while later when we had a cigartette, he started a conversation with me as he was staring at his phone so I told him that if he wanted to talk to be he could put his phone down. His answer was okay and kept on playing. That night I got really mad I thought that's it. He really chose his phone in front of me, so I confronted him about it. And when he ignored the fact that it hurt me I started self harming. He told me to stop and I said no, He asked me why and I said I donn't want to. He then got up and said that this was crossing the line, that he wanted me to move out as soon as posible. This was the last time we shared a bed. My first ever boyfriend brook up with me after 11 months Drunk at 2 am.
Today 3 weeks after the break up I have never felt better. I am writing again. I have met new friends. I am out in the real world and not just indoors not doing anything.
I used to love him. But I am wondering now if that was because I felt sorry for him, and because I didn't want to be alone. I have stoped going to therapi as she said that i was a new person now. That it seemed like it was all about a bad relationship. Sure I have my moments of feeling lonley but I haven't selfharmed since that night. I have other better things that I do now. like seeing a friend with benafits
xx
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